Laughing at the Indian Cricket Team

Indian cricket is headed for a disastrous World Cup and only those who wish to bury their head in the sand can think that they will do well there. The pitches in West Indies are fast and the players (who anyway have a tough time on such pitches) will succumb easily. They will advance (I truly hope so) to the next round by beating the weak teams but they will lose once again to the strong ones and they will find ourselves out and forgotten very soon. So instead of feeling sad, the only thing left for the fans to do is to joke about them. So here goes!

The story goes that there was a couple married for quite some time and they had a boy of 5-6 years old. Their  relationship was turning  sour. So finally it reached such a stage that they thought it was better for them to be divorced than to carry on such a relationship.

So they consulted a lawyer. But the big question was who would have the  kid. In the hearing in the court it was decided that this choice should be left to their son. So the judge asked "Son, would you like to stay with your mummy?"

The kid replied," No, mummy beats me."
So the judge asked "Then, would you like to stay with your papa?"
The kid replied, "No, papa beats me too."

Now the judge was in a dilemma and was not able to decide what to do. After  pondering  for some time he smiled with the ideas he had in his mind about the child.

And he gave the judgment that the kid would stay with

Any guesses?

Come on I know you can guess this.

Ok here is the decision: The judge decided that the kid would stay with the Indian Cricket Team because they never beat anybody.

And here are some one liners to pipe up your day:
Why do Indian babies cry and complain all the time?
They are practicing how to become Indian cricketers when they grow up.

What is an handcuffed Indian Cricketer called?
A cricketer you can trust.

What are the four words that will destroy any Indian batsman?
Did you bat today?

Why doesnt the crowd blink when Tendulkar goes out to bat?
There just is no time until he gets out again.

What is the difference between an Indian batsman and an Australian one?
100 runs.

What is the difference between batteries and Indian cricketers?
Batteries have a positive side.

How do you force Indian cricketers to run between wickets?
You place food on either end.

Yes, I know that some of these jokes are really putting the Indian team down but considering their recent form (excluding the recent two victories against West Indies which I think is more of a fluke than anything else), I felt that I could say such things.

I cannot understand how such players such as Ganguly, Tendulkar, Dravid and the rest can let the fans down time and again. Sometimes it seems that they are not really interested in playing and that they <a href="http://www.gambling-portal.com">gamble</a> away their wicket easily. If that is the case then they should leave and let other more able and willing youngsters take a shot. They will not fare much worse in any case. What will they do? Lose. They lose anyway and to any cricket playing nation in the world!

Party Jokes: Startling But Unnecessary

Here, I focus on a range of items and features that we use in life without giving them a second thought such as Coca Cola, body muscles and holding ones own breath. Though, most of these notes are not fundamentally necessary, they are such that you can use them for a good laugh, at a drinks party or for picking up women or men. 1) Coca-Cola: Did you know that its original colour was green? 2) Mohammed: Did you know that this is the most used name in the entire world? 3) Geographical Letters: Did you know that the name of each of the continents begins and concludes with the exact same alphabet? Do not believe that? Look up Asia, Europe, Africa, America, Antarctica and the rest. 4) Muscle Strength: Did you know that the strongest muscle in the entire body is that one which we use to lick a popsicle? Your tongue. 5) Credit Cards: In the United States, were you aware that each and every person has at least two credit cards? 6) An Antique Machine: The word for an old machine that was once used for writing letters and other documents is the largest word that one can make if they click only on a single row of their computer's keyboard: typewriter! 7) Blink: Men wink at women, but research has found out that the average woman blinks nearly two times more than the average man. 8) Suicide: Even though you might have wondered if it was possible, studies have discovered that it is impossible to kill oneself by simply holding in your breath. 9) Licking: However much you may try, you will never be able to lick your elbows. 10) Sneeze: Try sneezing. People will automatically answer you with a bless you greeting. Have you ever imagined why? Some say that this happens because a sneeze stops the functioning of the heart for a very tiny second. 11) The Blue Sky: Did you know that a pig, no matter how much they try, cannot look up into the sky? 12) Twisting Your Tongue: We have all dabbled with different tongue-twisters in our day. But do you know which is the toughest? Sixth sick sheiks sixth sheeps sick. 13) Ribs: Did you know that you should try not to sneeze too strongly. Why? A very powerful sneeze has the ability to cause a fracture in your ribcage. But, then again, if you try and withhold one, you stand the chance of breaking one of the many blood vessels in your neck or head. This could cause death. 14) Cards: Did you think that the Kings are all just random cards referring to random figures? No. Each one signifies a different king: Diamonds for Julius Caesar, Clubs for Alexander the Great, Spades for David and Hearts for Charlemagne. 15) And finally: Most everyone reading this (Caught You!) are trying to lick their elbows at this exact moment! Conclusion: Most of these are not scientific facts, but they are hilarious, funny and can be used to lighten up the ambience when a conversation has gone dull. Use any and see your popularity rise up to great heights. Visit http://www.gambling-portal.com for more jokes.

Clothesline Fresh – Country Myth Breaker # 17

Clothesline fresh, country fresh scent, smells like a country garden, those of us from the city have all seen our share of country clad laundry soap commercials. The token red barn glows in the distance. Closer in, clothes adorn the line. Each piece is so straight and evenly spaced you’d believe a team of sophomore geometry students hung them as their final class projects. Even more perfect, the lightest of breezes launches an ‘oh so soft’ billow along the stain free front row.

Even I think, who wouldn’t want their clothes to be clothesline fresh? And, don’t those people own underwear? Ahhhh! I use my clothesline. I must. There is not a man in the five-state region willing to rise to the challenge of touching my daunting propane line and antiquated fuse box. Like my outhouse, my dryer is purely ornamental.

Despite this forced march to my clothesline the results can be startlingly adequate. Yet as a good Cidiot (city idiot), It would be negligent of me if I did not point out a few hazards of clotheslines to budding country converts. Beware, hanging your skivvies in the wild is not all its cracked up to be. Consider these dilemmas.

Seven of Ten Birds Prefer to Defecate Out of Doors – Avian species have a remarkable instinct for textile quality. Anyone doubting this should hang their Thai Silk robe on one end of the clothesline. Put a flannel shirt on the opposite side. At the end of the day tally the results.

Sheets Attract Wind – Kids have a new kite? You can plan your day around it, guaranteed! Just wash your bedding in the morning and place it on your line. Rest assured, Mariah herself will blast through your backyard. Kites, bedding, lingerie, pugs - anything with a flat surface will dance its way through the sky, only to impale itself in full display atop the silo of your local feed mill.

Remember the One Foot Rule – Most educated people know the three second rule. No matter where in your home you drop a piece of silverware, if you can retrieve it in three seconds or less you can eat off it without rinsing first. The one-foot rule, however, is only taught in rural school districts. It goes like this: Any textile on a clothesline that sags to within 12 inches of sweet Mother Earth, via the wind or any other means, must immediately be scent marked by every male canine (dogs, coyotes, wolves or prairie dogs) inside a three mile radius.

Animals Have Hair – Strangely enough farms are inundated with animals. Go figure. With all due respect to clothespins, they do little to remove hair. It takes four fabric softener sheets and a small nuclear plant to fluff out an intricate weaving of fur and feathers. During the spring shed I keep a HAZMAT team on stand by just to clean my lint traps.

Remodeling Your House? – You can save a fortune in costly building materials. Just hang your cotton towels out to dry on the clothesline. Not only will they dry stiff enough to be use as support beams, the bird shit will act as an adhesive for roofing projects.

Remember on that warm spring day, when the cottonwoods are spawning and your best angora sweater has just hit the line, imagine, within a matter of hours it will be more than you ever dreamed possible. And, as always, it will smell ‘clothesline fresh!’

A Moving Experience

I’ve found a cool apartment! Okay, okay…so it’s not perfect. Just a few bugs. I mean literally! First expense? An exterminator! Is it worth the cash? Well, I can’t afford a more expensive place, so a one-time (please!) cash outlay should be okay. Maybe just a can of “Raid?”

I need a way to move my stuff. Daddy, can I borrow your truck? You don’t have one? Why not? Do you want one? I’ll help you pick it out! Well, it was just a suggestion. No need to get all bent out of shape! I guess I’d better call the truck rental places. What do you mean…$200…PLUS mileage? AND Gas? Good grief!

While I’m on the phone I’ll call the utility and phone companies. Yes, I know I haven’t used your services before. No, I don’t have a credit card; this is my first place. You want what? A $100 deposit? For EACH? Holy cow…do you people have a license to steal?

Daddy, I need $500 for moving expenses! I used all my money for the first and last months rent AND the damage deposit. Well, how was I to know this was going to be so expensive? Sell something? Daaaaad…I NEED my TV!

Boy, this place is pretty empty. Maybe I should buy a couch and a chair. Nah…I have my bed. That’ll be good enough. I don’t need a table; I’ll just use this box.

Renters Insurance? I don’t think so! What do I have to insure?

Just got my first phone call! I’d love to come to your party! Daddy, I need a car. Because it’s too far to walk to work, that’s why. Umm, Daddy…there’s car insurance too! Thanks, Dad…you’re the best! And gas? I didn’t think so…

Time for dinner. Let’s look in these boxes. Oh, No! No dishes or pans. No FOOD!

Uhhh, Mom?

Why

Many articles supply answers, but here I do not. Here, I ask the questions. If you want to rack your brains for finding the answers to these life conundrums. But, I warn you. Beware. These are not easy, and though somewhat hilarious and funny, they are real and true to life.

Should I begin? Ok, here I go:

1) How come Tarzan has no bears even though he grows up with wolves in the jungle?

2) Why does glue not stick to the insides of the tube or can that it comes in?

3) Why do they use sterile injections when executing someone who is condemned to death?

4) Why do we press down harder and harder or the remote controls even though we know that the batteries are low?

5) Why is it that when someone hits us in the ankles with his supermarket trolley and then appologizes, do we say that everything is ok? I mean, things are not really fine. Why is it that we do not say that it hurts?

6) Why is it that whatever the color of the bath soap, the bubbles are always white?

7) Why is it that you will never find a day when mattresses are not on sale?

8) Why is it that online casinos always offer big prize money for their tournaments but never reveal the real name of the winner after the competition is over?

9) If human beings evolved from monkeys, why is it that there still are monkeys?

10) Why did the Japanese Kamikaze pilots wear helmets during the second World War?

11) Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest but, then, duck when the empty gun is thrown at him.

12) Why do banks charge a commission when you go into debt even though they know that there is no money in that account?

13) Why do people go back again and again to the refrigerator hoping that something new to eat will appear there?

14) Why do people move their vacuum cleaner over a thin thread lying on the floor, bend down, pick it up, examine it, and then, place it on the floor again and move the vacuum over it again?

15) Why do people believe it when they are told that there are more than four billion stars, but when they see a sign that says wet paint, they have to touch and check?

16) Why does a plastic bag not open at the end where you first try to open it?

17) Why do you never hear jokes about father in laws?

18) Why are there dead insects inside enclosed electric lamps?

19) Why is it that in winter we try and keep the house as warm as it was during the summer when back in the summer we hated the heat?

20) Why is it that every time you try and catch something that is about to fall off the table, you always hit something else and drop that instead?

Conclusion:
Life has many oddities and conundrums: some funny, some less. I have mentioned but a few. Think of more? Send them to me.

Get Your Joke Pass For Free!!

Laughter and humor are necessities in life. We need to have a release for all the pressure that comes our way and nothing is better at helping us keep our equilibrium than jokes and funny stories, just like at jokepass.com.

Bill Cosby once said, “If you can find humor in anything, you can survive it.” Instead of getting angry and growing old and wrinkled before your time, why not find the humor in your situation and share your real-life funny situation forum. Let’s face it: life is unfair! Society should let men wear heels too! Until it happens, just smile and let your funny bone get exercised.

At jokepass.com, we believe that the saying “laughter is the best medicine is absolutely true. So we set out to give you a place where you can find at least one thing to make you giggle and lighten your day. We aim to get those cheeks rosy and have your heart pumping and wipe those years away.

Just imagine, with jokepass.com, you won’t need surgery to look younger and be healthier. All you need to do is laugh! Your laughter will automatically make your body increase production of those natural killer cells that destroy tumors and viruses. Those ho-ho’s and ha-ha’s can increase the T-cells so important to our immune system and B-cells needed to make disease fighting antibodies. Laughing actually increases oxygen in the blood, lowers the blood pressure and encourages healing.

Can you name any medicine that can heal hearts and souls, not just the body? Laughter can. It can help bring families and friends closer together and can make the heaviest loads light. A chuckle or two can make the day fly faster when you’re stuck doing a really boring task. Look at the men in the Pike Market. They have so much fun, the FISH philosophy was born.

You don’t need to throw fish around to get started. All you need to do is visit Joke Pass and find a joke that tickles your funny bone. Try to guess the answer to one of the riddles or watch some of the member’s favorite funny videos. There’s always something funny going on over here.

Have you been looking for a place to share your puns? Then you’ve found a home! Be “punny”, be funny, feel free to share. The more laughter we generate around the world the better. Old joke, new joke, blonde jokes, knock-knock jokes…send them our way.

Let’s get serious for a moment. We can go around being grim and gritting our teeth and just trying to get through the day. Uh! Boring! Put some color in your life. Be a little silly. Lighten up, dude! One of the best ways to get a grip on your life is through humor. We know life is tough and it isn’t easy. Come over and take 5 with us. Joke Pass will help you get back to work with a lighter feeling and more smiles.

Make the time for laughter. Let us help add humor to your day. Spend some time at jokepass.com and get your belly aching (and your ab muscles working) with laughter.

Laughter: Use It to Pick Up Women

Humour, some say, is the fruit of life, and this is especially true when it comes to picking up on a girl no matter where the location. Make them laugh, and I guarantee, that you are very close to getting their phone number and even to getting them to go out with you. But, as we all know, making them laugh, is easier said than done. Precisely for those who find it difficult to come up with something funny to say, I am adding some funny anecdotes and wise cracks that you can memorize and then use in those situations where you need to get the girl in front of you to laugh. 1) The Prescription: Did you hear of the lady, who walked into the pharmacist and asked for arsenic? The man behind the counter asked in wonder, "What do you need that for? The lady calmly replied," to kill my husband." The pharmacist was taken aback," Are you crazy? Do you want to get us both into jail? And, anyway, why do you want to kill him? Go to a counselor. Get help for your marriage." The lady paused and from her purse she removed a set of pictures of her husband and the wife of the pharmacist in some very creative postures. The pharmacist looked at the snaps, put them down and smiled," lady, why did you not tell me that you have a prescription?" 2) The Tip Book A wife calls out to her husband, "Have you seen the book, 101 Tips to Live for More Than a Hundred Years? The husband sheepishly replies, "I burnt it." "What?" the wife shouted out," why?" The husband whispered back," Because your mother wanted to read it." 3) Range of Food Looking at his wife fry meat balls in all kinds of shapes and sizes, Tom tapped her on the shoulder, "Why?" His wife turned," Because you asked for a variety of food." 4) Mushrooms Tom was picking mushrooms from the forest floor with his wife, when she picked up one and showed it to Tom," Is this for eating?" Tom smiled," Yes. As long as you do not cook it." 5) Driving Around Tom greeted his wife when she returned home," So, my dear, how was your first time driving all alone?" His wife smiled coyly, "Do you want to hear it from me or read about it in the papers? 6) Drama A couple are watching a film in their local theater when the wife snuggles close to her husband and points to the screen," Do you think that they will get married in the end?" The husband sighs," Yes. These movies always have bad endings." 7) The Library Tom visited the local library, walks up to the librarian and asks, "Do you know where I can find the book, the Supremacy of Men over Women?" The librarian conducts a short search on the computer and looks up," you will be able to find it in the science fiction." Conclusion: While some of these might sound offensive, if you use them well you will be able to display not just a sense of humour, but also that you are exactly the opposite of the stereotype. How? Immediately, after you done, lean over and whisper, But I am not like that, and if you allow me to take you out, you will see that for yourself.