Marriage is one of the most enjoyable but also one of the most painful experiences that people undergo. It carries with it the whiff of romance and eternal bliss, but sometimes you get a pack of thorns instead.
How Do You Ensure Your Marriage Is a Bed of Roses and not Thorns?
One of the major ingredients that a happy marriage needs is a willingness to compromise. But that is much more difficult than it seems. Everyone will agree that they need to compromise, but what happens when the issue is not a simple and tiny one? What then? Who Compromises first? I am sure you must have said to yourself at one point or another that enough is enough. You will no longer be the patsy. You are an independent person and your partner has crossed the line. Maybe.
Maybe your relationship has died and you are just beginning to realize it. Maybe your sentiments are more passionate than romantic. Maybe you no longer love her.
Stop being a fool!
What if I told you that the solution to your marital strife is not divorce. Am I mad?
Look around. How many divorces do you know? Plenty. Me too. But are they really happier off?
What is the first thing that a divorced person does? He or she goes out and starts looking for partners.
Isn't that strange? No. You say that everybody needs somebody to love. Maybe. I say that they had that somebody and they just let them go. So please stop being foolish.
Why not tackle your problems with a simple suggestion? A Game.
Games as a Peace Maker:
Playing brings out the child in us and causes us to express more than we normally would. We also release bottled up frustration and let go of mental thorns in our outbursts of joy and anguish as we win or lose. Games unite people together and therefore I suggest playing together but if you wish one can play against the other. The game turns into a battle but only this time, after its over, you will both feel refreshed from losing all that bottled up pain and anger.
Games to Pick From:
Try picking games that both of you like or at least somewhat active ones. You could even play hide and seek in the house or something else. If you do prefer playing cards, pick a game which does not go on for long and which requires some thinking like hearts, poker, bridge or rummy. Keep score and determine before hand that the loser has to do something for the winner. Chores is not a prize for the winner! If you lose you have to do something that that the other person wants for themselves like give them their favorite massage or cook them their favorite meal.
Conclusion:
Games are a welcome ambrosia to love and will excite you as a couple to disregard all your frustrations and anger and deal only with the good. The anger and frustrations will not magically disappear, but now you can deal with them together calmly and in a good mood.
Showing posts with label therapy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label therapy. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Woof! I Can Help
As a family psychologist, I’m always interested in learning about different therapeutic approaches to helping kids. One approach that receives much less attention than it deserves is therapy involving animals, especially pets.
Animals can help reduce the vulnerability children feel when they are working on different types of behaviors or emotional challenges. Whether you have to talk to your child about “all the missing cookies” or a more serious matter, the presence of a pet can go a long way toward reducing his or her discomfort and self-consciousness. Being able to hug a dog or pet a cat while dealing with some tough issues helps to limit the feeling of “being on the spot.” The warmth of an animal’s body, the softness of its coat – the very fact that it is a living thing – provides an opportunity for emotional relief and connection.
Many pet owners say they enjoy the unconditional love an animal provides. What is perhaps more important is the opportunity a pet provides to express love.
I’m not suggesting that you immediately rush off and buy a pet if your child is dealing with behavioral or emotional challenges. But if your family would like a pet and can make the commitment to provide it with a good, safe home; it’s worth considering. Your child may enjoy researching different animals and planning for its care.
Many parents have learned that pets are an excellent way to build empathy as well. Taking care of the family pet, or a stint “dog-watching” or “cat- sitting” for a neighbor might be a child’s first job. Children sense that living things require greater care on their part and usually rally to meet expectations when they’ve been given a sense of responsibility for an animal: picking its name, selecting its collar, choosing special pet snacks or toys at the grocery store. Animals serve both as real companions and as potent symbols that wind their ways deeply into children’s minds, providing a health opportunity for emotional projection. Why else would animals show up so frequently in children’s art and stories?
Some studies have even shown that the presence of a dog while learning to read or play the piano helps accelerate those processes. This makes sense to me. So much of what children struggle with during learning is a lack of fluency brought on by their own self-consciousness. Anxiety inhibits the neural connections that make learning easier. Isn’t it harder for all of us to learn something if we are worried about doing it well enough? The presence of an animal reduces that self-consciousness and supports the capabilities of a more relaxed mind.
In her thought-provoking book, Why the Wild Things Are, psychologist Gail Nelson writes eloquently about animals in the lives of children. She cites studies demonstrating that when animals are present in the classrooms of young children, it helps them gain control of the emotional swings that are part and parcel of early childhood. Dr. Nelson also notes that by third grade, animals are much less in attendance – probably for the same logistical reasons it is hard to bring animals into traditional therapy sessions.
In my own clinical office, I have fish which, while not being as physically accessible as a cat, dog, or guinea pig, are still a source of projection for the children I work with. “Can you see Mr. Little?,” I might ask. “Does he feel shy like you do sometimes?” “How do you like my shark? He thinks he’s so tough he doesn’t have to listen to anybody –does he remind you of anyone?”
In so many ways, animals connect children to a reality larger than themselves. A child who cannot bear to share with his brother or make a concession to please his sister may faithfully walk the dog or forgive a chewed-up baseball glove—learning to nurture and empathize in the process. The companionship and devotion typically provided by the family pet can be of great consolation in a hectic household, at times when a child is “in the doghouse,” dealing with a tough transition, or feeling sad or lonely.
Pets of all kinds can truly be a "family's best friend."
Animals can help reduce the vulnerability children feel when they are working on different types of behaviors or emotional challenges. Whether you have to talk to your child about “all the missing cookies” or a more serious matter, the presence of a pet can go a long way toward reducing his or her discomfort and self-consciousness. Being able to hug a dog or pet a cat while dealing with some tough issues helps to limit the feeling of “being on the spot.” The warmth of an animal’s body, the softness of its coat – the very fact that it is a living thing – provides an opportunity for emotional relief and connection.
Many pet owners say they enjoy the unconditional love an animal provides. What is perhaps more important is the opportunity a pet provides to express love.
I’m not suggesting that you immediately rush off and buy a pet if your child is dealing with behavioral or emotional challenges. But if your family would like a pet and can make the commitment to provide it with a good, safe home; it’s worth considering. Your child may enjoy researching different animals and planning for its care.
Many parents have learned that pets are an excellent way to build empathy as well. Taking care of the family pet, or a stint “dog-watching” or “cat- sitting” for a neighbor might be a child’s first job. Children sense that living things require greater care on their part and usually rally to meet expectations when they’ve been given a sense of responsibility for an animal: picking its name, selecting its collar, choosing special pet snacks or toys at the grocery store. Animals serve both as real companions and as potent symbols that wind their ways deeply into children’s minds, providing a health opportunity for emotional projection. Why else would animals show up so frequently in children’s art and stories?
Some studies have even shown that the presence of a dog while learning to read or play the piano helps accelerate those processes. This makes sense to me. So much of what children struggle with during learning is a lack of fluency brought on by their own self-consciousness. Anxiety inhibits the neural connections that make learning easier. Isn’t it harder for all of us to learn something if we are worried about doing it well enough? The presence of an animal reduces that self-consciousness and supports the capabilities of a more relaxed mind.
In her thought-provoking book, Why the Wild Things Are, psychologist Gail Nelson writes eloquently about animals in the lives of children. She cites studies demonstrating that when animals are present in the classrooms of young children, it helps them gain control of the emotional swings that are part and parcel of early childhood. Dr. Nelson also notes that by third grade, animals are much less in attendance – probably for the same logistical reasons it is hard to bring animals into traditional therapy sessions.
In my own clinical office, I have fish which, while not being as physically accessible as a cat, dog, or guinea pig, are still a source of projection for the children I work with. “Can you see Mr. Little?,” I might ask. “Does he feel shy like you do sometimes?” “How do you like my shark? He thinks he’s so tough he doesn’t have to listen to anybody –does he remind you of anyone?”
In so many ways, animals connect children to a reality larger than themselves. A child who cannot bear to share with his brother or make a concession to please his sister may faithfully walk the dog or forgive a chewed-up baseball glove—learning to nurture and empathize in the process. The companionship and devotion typically provided by the family pet can be of great consolation in a hectic household, at times when a child is “in the doghouse,” dealing with a tough transition, or feeling sad or lonely.
Pets of all kinds can truly be a "family's best friend."
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